2006-06-24 - 5:24 a.m.

I think in the morning, I think I'll be alright.

To everyone it seems that for the most part I'm normal.
Am I? Is everyone elses life like this too?
Or do I keep my secrets hidden well?

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Another thing.Am I a sexual deviant?
Frank and I grew to be very comfortable with each other.We experimented sexually.
We tried new things.I think we are both very open minded about that, or grew to be.
I've always had a pretty high sex drive but I always attributed that to hormones.However I am no longer a teenager and I'm still
masturbating several times a day so it has to be me, right?
Frank and I have been having graphic phone sex.I'll blame it on being drunk all the time and lonely.
He said he wanted me to cut my stomach and he could lick off the blood.Who are we?
Fuck.
And now this.
I am easily aroused and I like it.I like getting a guy off.I like feeling dirty.
I am a bad person.
I always thought I'd only be with one person my whole life.Bullshit.
I'm a slut.
How about that.

I'm struggling with conscience and morals and desire, and wanting to feel wanted and lonliness and despair.

FUCK.

I think I'm losing my mind.
Sometimes I'm scared of where I'm going.

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This is my life.
Seperating weed by the light of the computer screen.
Agonizing over every imagined conversation.
Hold it in.Hold it in.
Modest mouse songs on repeat.
Checking the phone, checking the door.
Waiting for something, someone.
Not high on life.
High on drugs and drink and pain.
Paranoia and obsession creep in with the darkness.
Writing and writing.
Trying to waste my words.
Fearing the future and mourning the past.
Finding new mistakes to make.
This is my life.
Pepsi and vodka.
Bottles of wine.
Staring at the walls and dreading the next day.
Feeling hopelessness set in more and more.

Losing my head

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Oh well.

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I don't love anyone.

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Does anything I say makes sense? Or am I making a muck of it?

__________

The lights hurt my eyes. They make everything swish together.

I've discovered something new. Hunger.
I used to get high and just eat whatever all the time.
Now I have no appetite ever.
I love my stomach feeling empty.
I've eaten a few bites of food since I went out with my parents sunday.
Plus it makes getting drunk a little easier.Empty calories.
At least I have a job with a lot of moving and lifting and walking otherwise I'd be even more blubbery than I already am.

I hate being fat.

I'm smashed.

Should my feelings be hurt that he apparently doesn't think I'm fuckable?

regrets - hopes

the past