2006-06-24 - 2:53 p.m.

I dropped my tray on the floor.
What a mess.

Every morning on the way to work I take this curve faster in hopes that eventually I'll lose control and crash into the barriers.

I think the owners of our local liquor store think that I'm an alcoholic.
Ha.

I smoke way too much pot.
It's 2:00 and I worked my eight hours already.
I'm on my third bowl and counting.
I'll admit I have quite the tolerance.
I just realized I might be a "pothead".

I've done my share of drugs.

I've watched fireworks on acid.

I wonder what the future brings?

I wish I didn't feel so easily.

My thoughts always race and my writing is random.
Plus I stop to take hits and sometimes forget what I was doing.
Or I get wrapped up in a song, if you know what I mean.

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I've given cutting in odd but visible places.I think my sister figured it out.
Back to the basics I guess.My thigh is destroyed.I steal blades from work so for every cutting session I have a new sharp blade.
There are blades lying all over the house.
I hate band aids.
I just walk around the house without clothes and let the blood just drip down.If it hits my feet I'll wipe it,don't want blood on the carpet,
but otherwise I just let it drip and drip until it dries and then I'll shower.
Ugh.Not a pretty picture I'm sure.

I think one time I was happy.At least I had those glimpses of happiness.
The rare ungaurded moments where everything was forgotten and everything was ok.
Where are my glimpses?
What do I have to sustain myself on?
I guess self destructive habits.

Can I start over?

I used to laugh alot.I used to be kind of cool,maybe?
Where did I go wrong?

I think the constant drugs use and drinking and lack of sleep and food are starting to get to me.
I don't feel the same.
I almost don't look the same.

Am I being dramatic?

Right now I want to hold hands.Fingers entwined.
my heart hurts.

Fourth bowl.

regrets - hopes

the past