just a heartbeat
2008-10-19 - 7:12 p.m.
Where to begin.
I haven't written in over a year.I am a mother now. I try my hardest at that. Dylan in the only light in my bleak, sad life.He is my little monster.I don't want him to ever see how I feel.I am scared that I am not strong enough to be the mom that he deserves.But damn if I am not going to try my hardest.
This is not my life.
It can't be.
Every day is such a struggle.
I have so much to write, so much to say. This last year has been one bad day, one bad week, one bad month to another.
Larry and I can not get along for more than a heartbeat.Sometimes I think I hate him.Other times I think I love him.
I can't leave but staying seems like asking for a life of misery. I am scared. Really really scared.
Here is how life between us has been.
A weekend last month we were drinking.(We drink every saturday)I told larry I was really depressed I didn't feel like drinking. No no no he says. It'll make you feel better.You have to.I can't ever say no to him.(one of my many flaws)A fact: Larry and I can not go a weekend without a screaming, insult throwing fight that ends with me in tears, EVER. So I end up drinking about a liter of vodka. I don't remember much, I blacked out. Larry says I was threatening to cut and he had to restrain me. So his solution is to call the cops.Fuck. So end of story I somehow get arrested for domestic violence. I spent 10 hours in the county jail. It was terrible. I have to go to court now. He has beat the shit out of me so many times. I have had countless black eyes, busted lips, more bruises than I could count and once a broken nose.One time he even bit a chunk out of my arm. I woke up that morning in jail with his handprints, purple and blue on my upper arms. He has not a mark on him.FUCK FUCK FUCK
Why can't I leave?
What is wrong with me.
I've lost almost all my friends because of him.My family won't even acknowledge him.
More to come....
The drama gets better. I promise
regrets - hopes