2007-05-16 - 11:52 a.m.

The summer is upon us. I always write more in the summer. I feel the urge creep up on me and realize what I've been missing by letting all the words build up inside.

This summer will be different than last.Though sometimes I wish I could lose myself in all those self destructive habits again. I really wish I could drown in oblivion again. This summer however I am pregnant. I have more than myself to think about now. That it overwhelming and terrifying. I have trouble keeping myself together. I am going to be responsible for an innocent baby's life. God damn. I am going to try my hardest.

I am back living with my parents. I won't move out until after the baby is born I think. I never thought I'd be pregnant and single. That thought pounds through my head a lot.
Pregnant and alone. Pregnant and alone.
I always thought I'd have a baby with someone who loved me.That I'd I would have a family.It was not to be.
Larry's love for me faded pretty quickly.I always find it hard to let go of these things. But I am trying. I just don't understand how someone can say those words "I love you" and so quickly take them back. It crushes me. I am not sure I believe love is real at all anymore.
I believe in heartbreak.
Anytime I think about him I feel this knot in my stomach.This twisting turning knot of dread and desperation.
My feeling have led to me to make a fool of myself more than I'd like to admit in these past few months.I just feel, felt, that I would do anything to make him care. I know he is bad for me. Part of me just doesn't care.

I need to move on. I want to move on.

I want to get as far away from him as possible.
I wish more than anything that it wasn't his kid.God I wish...

regrets - hopes

the past