this can't be
2006-05-24 - 1:02 p.m.
Nothing is really getting better, it is only getting worse.I really don't know if I can handle this summer. I thought to hang out with friends, hoping for a haven of sorts. I hung out with some people this weekend and I just felt boring and gawky.I felt like I was in high school again. It is weird not having frank to fall back on. I am a bland, plain person who is never comfortable enough to be myself. It takes other people for me to realize just how unbearable I am to hang out with. So for the summer I think I'll just keep company with my cats and keep myself at home.
I want to cut so bad.My fingers are itching to hold a blade.But... it is not to be.My mom checked my arms and legs after I got out of the hospital and I have a feeling she'll check again. So no cutting until I am in the clear.
I went back to work today. I didn't cry once.I think I deserve a pat on the back for that one. I didn't even shed one tear when people asked about frank. Every hour I was there I felt worse and worse.It was like this sinking feeling in my stomach and this horrible hopelessness. This can't be my life...
I am 21 and I want to die.
Please let this get better.Please.
I wish I could collect all my thoughts together to write down but concentration comes in spurts these days.
regrets - hopes