2004-01-30 - 12:05 p.m.

I am tired.

I hate work.The whole time I'm there all I can think about is how horrible everything is,how everything feels.Is this where I'll be for the rest of my life.I can barely tolerate it.Today I almost jumped off the top of the ladder from sheer hopelessness.I just felt overwhelmed by everything swimming around in my head.All this leads to one thing:cutting.I went into the bathroom and cut.Just one small cut on my thigh.At least I thought it was small.After like a minute I could feel the blood dripping down my leg,soaking into my khakis.I hate to admit it but I needed that.It made me feel a little more in control of everything.Luckily my pants are thick and they were dirty from all the work so no one could see the blood unless they looked real close.

Custom Concern by Modest Mouse is one of the best songs ever.It seems to fit my hopelessness.It has been on repeat in my cd player for about a week.

regrets - hopes

the past