2001-12-12 - 6:32 p.m.

i dreamt of a fever one that'd cure of this cold winter sad heart, with heat to melt these frozen tears, to burn with reasons as to carry on

into these twisted months i plunge without a light to follow, but i swear that i'd follow anything, just get me out of here

i fell for the promise of a life with a purpose, but i know that's impossible now

and i give myself three days to feel better or else i'll drive it off a fucking cliff, cause if i can't make myself feel better how can i expect anyone else to give a shit

and i scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere, just get me past this dead and eternal snow cause i swear that i'm dying, slowly but it's happening and if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere, just take me there

just take me there

just take me there

the lie of the insane (it's going to be alright)

the lie of the insane (it's going to be alright)

-if winter ends, bright eyes

Today I felt my world begin to crash around me. My facade of happiness is becoming transparent to reveal the broken, sad person inside. I woke up and I was so tired, tired of trying, tired of everything. I honestly didn't know if I would be able to make it through the day. I went to school. I fucking hate school. I had to cut. I just began to run my nails up and down my arm. Up and down, up and down until it started bleeding. I am so fucking stupid. The teacher saw the blood and made me go to the nurses office. By the time I got to the nurses office I was sobbing. I told them what I did and they promptly sent me to the counselor. I just broke. I couldn't pretend anymore and I told her how I felt and how if I was going to feel like this forever I didn't think I could take it. It's just so hard. After that I sat in the nurses office and cried for over an hour while they called my mom. I know I am such a disappointment to her. Knowing that makes me feel terrible. I want her to be proud of me and not have to worry so much.

Today I felt like this wasn't really happening like I was just watching this happen to someone else. I don't want this to be real.

I wonder what will happen next?

regrets - hopes

the past