2001-11-23 - 10:39 a.m.

I don't think I believe in love anymore. It is just something I've created in my mind to feel better, to feel secure and happy. Love is not real. I've realized that I create these perfect emotions in my mind, but when one person say the tiniest thing my perfect feeling is destroyed and I am left with the truth. The truth is not always pretty.

This all started when Frank said we should wait to have oral sex. THe first time I gave Frank a blow job I was so scared and I really didn't want to do it. He kept pushing my head down though. Right then I convinced myself it was ok. That it was a beautiful expression of our love. I was so afraid he wouldn't like me if I didn't do it. I'm still convinced now that if I hadn't done it then he would have been pissed off. Frank shattered my perfect feeling when he said that it wasn't right. I just feel so dirty now I can't even look at myself in the mirror. In my mind I had held Frank up as this perfect, pure person. The way he talked about not doing this for God and for ourselves. I didn't even think that he had done this with other people. But he has. I thought that Frank was like like me and would only do that with someone he loved. Maybe he loved them too. Or maybe love just isn't real.

I thought I loved Frank. I really don't know what to think anymore.

regrets - hopes

the past