2001-11-14 - 1:25 p.m.

I have a problem with pills. Antihistamines mostly. Sounds kind of like a joke. Well I'm laughing. It's a rueful bitter laugh however. I haven't written about it because I thought maybe if I ignored it, if I pretended it wasn't a problem it would go away. It is not going away. In fact it is getting worse. In a way it has become my substitute for cutting. I find myself taking more and more each time. It began with eleven or twelve and now it is up to eighteen or nineteen. Benadryl has become my best friend. I just can't take the nights. During the day I do fine. Actually I haven't been this happy for a long time. The nights though... the lonliness becomes unbearable. I just need escape. I need it. I don't care about the cost. These pills are my solace. My friends are all telling me to stop. I keep promising them I will. But when I am alone I tell myself just one more time. One more time. One more time. Monday night was my one more time. Last night even as my head pounded from the previous nights pills I almost took more. Fuck I am so weak. I am so stupid. I won't take them again.

regrets - hopes

the past