how can i convince you its me i don't like

losing my mind

2001-04-20 - 8:15 p.m.

Ahhh! I am losing my fucking mind. Literally. Yesterday I went to school, good right. When I finally got to fourth block, i was burnt out. Really, really burnt. With my luck we had this huge presentation to give and I was actually proud of myself for attempting it. So I go into class and see all these elaborate models and posters, fuck I didn't do anything even close to that, of course.

So i drop my stuff go into the bathroom, lock myself in a stall and sit. I forced myself to breathe. "I am alive. I am ok. I am drowning. I am drowning." I repeated this in my head and imagined with each breath i took in water. That it filled my lungs, the ocean swelled around me and i was slowly dying, crazy, huh? So i sit in there for 30-45 minutes. After that Kelli comes in to get me. "Mr. Buzzi wants you to come back to class Heather."

"No. Tell him I'm sick. Tell him I can't breathe. Hell,tell him i'm crazy and I'm not coming back."

The next thing i know Buzzi comes charging into the bathroom, everyones else leaves. fuck.

"Darling, open the door. You're not in trouble I just want to talk to you." I slowly, reluctantly open the door. As soon as i look at him I start to sob. I am such a stupid, fucking baby. You have to understand that Buzzi is my absolute favorite teacher of all time. I know I've fallen so much to him and that makes me so sad. Anyway he talks to me for like 10 minutes. I sat on the bathroom floor with ten minutes with my teacher talking. He was like, "I know you're going through a hard time but I also know you are the smartest person in this class. You are capable of so much." And so on... He finally got me to go back to class, where i sat in a daze for the next hour.

Today I had to get my blood taken. I watched the blood filling the vial. Bright red blood swirling, swirling, swirling into the vial out of me. How can something so beautiful, such a sign of life come out of me? For a while I didn't think it was possible for me to bleed, strange as that sounds.Anyhow, they're testing my blood for a whole bunch of shit, they think maybe my depression in chemical or something?

I quit my job today. My last day is Tuesday. It is weird because I expected to feel relief but instead I feel such intense sorrow. I feel like my job was the only thing i was competent at and now i have nothing. Nothing. So now I get to stay home all the time. Woo hoo! Plus i'll have no money. They said they'd hire me back when school is out if I wanted so I'll probably end up working there over the summer. Now I have this great empty feeling inside. I'm so heavy. I just couldn't work anymore with school and everything. I'm falling apart!

Where will life take me next?

On a bright note I'm failing every class! I'm stupid. Life Sucks. The End.

regrets - hopes

the past

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