2004-04-27 - 11:31 a.m.

Yesterday Doug and I hung out.It was alot of fun.No matter what Doug says I am paler than him and I could body slam any day.Anyday.

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Frank came over last night and we talked( when aren't we talking?)I think we really got somewhere.I asked him what he would change our relationship if we stayed together.And he said that he wanted me to lose some weight.He said I was fat along with some other physical imperfections that aren't even worth mentioning.Fuck that. How is my being fat a major factor on whether we stayed together or not.He also said he wanted us to experiment sexually(with other people)which I don't think I'm cool with.I think sex is a personal thing between two people.I asked him that if I were in an accident and I lost an arm or a leg would he stay with me?After hesitating for quite a while he said he didn't know.If Frank got paralyzed I would stay with him.I would fucking take care of him.I thought we were in this together through good and bad.It seems though he is in it for the good and whatever he can get out of it.I never realized he was so fucking shallow.Three fucking years together and he wants to break up and his main reason is that I am fat.Also, where does he get off calling me fat.Just because he lost 25 pounds doesn't mean he's hot shit now.I was so proud of him for losing it and now I wish he hadn't.It went to his head and made him a prick.I feel like I don't know him as well as I thought.I don't know if I want to be with the person he's become.I don't need someone to make me feel bad.

I told some people at work that he said I was fat.I tried to play it off like I thought it was funny.But...It really really hurt me.I just feel fat and gross and ugly now.I look in the mirror and feel physically sick.I don't ever want to eat again.I never want to let him see me naked again, or have sex with me again. I've always been kind of chubby but I never realized I was disgustingly fat until now.

I guess we will see what happens but honestly I don't have much hope for this.Officially we are back together but I don't know how long it will last.

How can I love this person?I am beginning to question my feelings.I hate that things can't go back to the way they were.

Sometimes I just want to curl up into a ball and die.Right now that bridge at the trails seems so inviting.

regrets - hopes

the past