2001-04-12 - 9:18 p.m.

The last two days i have felt my grip on reality slowly slipping. I honestly don't know how much more i can take. What is wrong w/ me? Is it my fault i am so sad? Why can't everything be "OK"!

Ok let me start at the beginning:

Yesterday morning i took 5 200 mg caffeine pills. Don't ask me why? I don't know, I fucking felt like it! I hate when people say that there has to be a reason. Well if there is a reason why i feel the way i do i would like to know. Anyway. They made me very jittery at school. Shit i couldn't even walk. Then this girl(damn i can't even remember who) gave me a pill, i gave her a few caffeine pills and she gave me fuck knows what? I really don't care though. Anyway that along w/ the caffeine pills really fucked me up. Ummm i couldn't stop laughing. I was lying in the hall just laughing. I think i really freaked Brianna out and i am soo sorry. After she went back to class I went down the hall and laid back down. I stared at the lights and said i'm sorry over and over. i can't remember how long i was there. everything was blurry and i just hoped that i'd pass out and never wake up. I did wake up unfortunately. Kelli and Shane walked by and asked if i was ok and i guess i said something?? Then they came back and made me get up. Shane helped me walk. I was/am so fucking messed up. They tried to get me to walk and i started crying and crying and i couldn't stop. i felt like i could never stop. we passed these preppy bitches and they mocked me. they almost pushed me over the edge!! I normally am a pretty nice person, i guess, i try at least. At least i don't confront people alot. But they really got to me. I turned around and told them to shut the fuck up. I screamed it actually. Then i collapsed. I was crying so hard i couldn't stand. I fell in the middle of the hallway and started screaming "if i kill myself it is your fault" I couldn't get up so Shane kinda picked me up and helped me to class. Later all i could think about was what i wanted to say to those people who laughed at me. Why are people so cruel? To laugh at someone when they are in so much pain...I just don't understand??

Um i barely made it through the day. I threw up on the way home. I thought ok i'm better now and i'd make it at work. On the way to work i threw up in my purse. It was so gross! It got in my hair and on my clothes and all over the car. But i am stupid and i still went to work. There i threw up countless times and finally went home at six. when i got home i went straight to bed. everytime i moved i thought i would die. I couldn't stop vomitting. warren called about 8:30 and we talked until like 10:30. He is so nice. I am still confused about what to do. Right now i can't take any additional pressure. Finally about one i fell asleep.

When i woke up i threw up again and again. When i got to school i felt tolerable. Ummmm first hour my teacher overheard Brianna and i talking and the next thing i know security is there for me. FUCK i was so nervous. They took me to the nurse's office and like so many people were in there. the nurse, the social worker, the counselor, the assistant principal and assortment of other people i didn't know. They shone a light in my eyes and took my pulse and my blood pressure. Shit. They asked me if i took anything and i said no, nothing besides my prozac. i am such a liar. i am going to hell. I stayed there for what seemed like an eternity.the nurse made me promise to come back at lunch and the counselor made me promise to come to talk to her later. I made it through the day barely and then when i went back to the nurse she said she called my mom. I was SO ANGRY! I pretended to be happy which is getting harder and harder lately. I went back to class and did nothing. I sat and i tried not to scream. I thought i would explode!! I went to talk to the counselor after class and we talked about alternative school. I guess next year i'll go there. I can't take it here much longer. Stress is killing me. She told me that a couple of people had come to her about me and told her fuck knows what? But anyway i was pissed... At least if you are going to say somethng about me especially to a teacher or whatever at least tell me so i can prepare myself. I need to be ready. So this brings me to the most humiliating part of my day. after school i saw kelli and i asked her if she knew who talke dto the counselor and she did and she told me. I snapped!!! I started screaming at like the top of my lungs! I hate them! I hate them! I hate them! Fuck them! Fuck them! fuck them! I am going to die! I am going to die! Mike was like two feet a way. Sigh. everyone was staring. I am so embarrassed. I never want to face anyone again. Anyway...

I am so scared and i am so messed up. at least tomorrow is friday.

regrets - hopes

the past