how can i convince you its me i don't like

self reflection

2022-03-05 - 8:39 p.m.

I'm 37. I started this thing 20 years ago. I never would have guess this was where life was going to take me.
I've been rereading old entries, thinking alot and self reflecting and it honestly has been painful. I feel alot of guilt and embarrassment over the way I acted with Frank. I had a very fragile grip on myself and my emotions .I was selfish in some ways and my reactions to things weren't always rational. I wish I could go back and be better but you live and you learn. I hope that I handle myself better today. I try to walk away when I feel my emotions starting to spiral ( I know this makes Greg mad sometimes but I will say things I don't mean and make things worse) and I am trying to be more aware when I have been irrational or unnecessarily mean and admitting my mistakes and apologizing.

The years with Larry I mostly hate myself for. I should have never even went on a second date with him. It was the most toxic 6 years of my life and it felt like a lifetime. Those years changed me more than anything and I can barely think about them without feeling panic. It changed me but it didn't break me and I got my two beautiful children. I think I would've given up without them.

The last year and a half life has surreal. Nothing seems real. This can't be my life.
I struggled for years as a single parent. I couldn't keep up with bills, everything was so hard. Larry was no help financially or otherwise and has been in and out of prison since our divorce.(this has been a blessing for me) I wish he'd go away forever. I filed for full custody the last time he was in prison but I was denied...I don't even feel like going into all that right now. But he only gets them every other weekend anyway.
Everything for awhile was going downhill. Greg and I were always fighting, I was stressed and depressed and working all the time,I was drinking all the time, Larry got out of prison after 3 years and then we got evicted. I didn't think I was going to make it.
Then things actually started to fall into place.
Greg bought us a house. A house way bigger and nicer than what we were living in. Greg and I still fight but not as bad.Then after giving up after no luck since our miscarriage I actually got pregnant and had a baby. And financially things turned around for Greg and I went down to one day a week and stay home with my baby and get to spend time with my other kids.
My therapist told me I needed to move and that she thought all the memories in that house were suffocating me and I guess she was right. All the bad vibes were holding me back.

So things are better.

I'm still depressed alot. I still think about suicide alot
But today I'm still trying.

regrets - hopes

the past

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