2014-07-16 - 4:59 p.m.

For the first time in a long while I cut. I sliced up my thigh in the shower and watched the blood slowly drip down my leg mixing with the water to form a pretty pink puddle at my feet that quickly disappeared down the drain. Gone forever. I wished I could follow suit and slide into nothingness... down the drain. I didn't cry. I stood in the shower until the water ran cold. Empty. Numb. Scared. Confused. Uncertain. My heart beat quickly and frantically. I feel like at any moment something terrible will occur. I'm on edge. Fearing the worst and finding it hard to imagine anything better.
I'm afraid of too many things.
I'm afraid of calling to make appointments. I'm afraid of buying stamps. I'm afraid of being stuck in this place forever. I'm afraid no one loves me. I'm afraid I'm not strong enough.
Ican't sleep anymore. I lie down and can't slow down my thoughts, I can't shake my worry,my fear. When I do fall asleep I have nightmares. I wake up scared,alone, crying and alot of times in the midst of a panic attack. The past haunts me. Sometimes I think I'm just a fucking pussy. People have survived far worse things. I still think of him and his hands around my throat, the look in his eye and the sound of his voice and it is like it was yesterday. I still feel terrified. I am supposed to be stronger. I wonder if I deserved it.
I hate myself.
I feel guilty for being so sad and so messed up. Who do I think I am?
I just wish I could shake it off and be normal.
I'm too old for this bullshit.
What is wrong with me?

regrets - hopes

the past