how can i convince you its me i don't like


2013-07-25 - 6:30 p.m.

My kids walk all over me.
I can't pay my bills.
My boyfriend can't talk to me.
Things at work are... just really really awful right now.
I have a constant knot of dread in my stomach.
My heart feels heavy,nervous. Worry literally makes my shoulders feel heavy.I want to cut. I want to give up. I want to be ok.
I'm a mess of a person. I don't know that I'll ever not be a mess of a person.
Who knows. Next week could be the best week of my life....anything is possible.
I got some people fired at work. I feel bad that they had to lose their jobs yet I know it's not my fault. Their actions are what got them fired. Some guys were harassing one of my friends at work and just being inappropriate with a lot of the girls. I know how it feels to not be treated the way that you deserve and one thing I actually absorbed and took to heart from al anon is that you do not have to accept unacceptable behavior from anyone, for any reason. I was furious when I overheard them laughing about the whole situation. The motherfuckers made her cry, deliberately singled her out. I'm a little outraged. Just a bunch of bullies.

It sucks that life is not a fairytale or a romance novel.I don't think there's a happy ending but I don't either. It is a constant series of ups and downs. I don't know if my highs and lows are more extreme than others but it sure as hell feels like it sometimes.
I have to just hope that I'm about to hit an upswing.

regrets - hopes

the past

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