2012-05-30 - 1:21 p.m.

ok.
scratches aren't cuts
that is going to be my reasoning
no one needs to see my legs anyway
i feel like a pussy that i didn't dig deeper
that i didn't bleed more
maybe tonight
seriously fuck everybody
i don't know what going on with my mood lately
it's really up and down
i've got it under control though
i'm getting better at hiding stupid emotions
i had to cut my meds in half
the side effects were too much
-i was gaining weight fast
- my stomach hurt almost all the time
-I could barely sleep even with my tranquilizers
-my joints ached so bad in the mornings I could barely move my arms or legs
-when I first upped it I had night terrors
-and I would have these weird feeling in my head, almost like an electrical shock, (it really freaked me out)
but it did help my panic attacks alot,
and I wasn't crying all the time
so without consulting a doctor I just started breaking the pills in half
the side effects are more tolerable now
really high right now

got off work early
split the rest on my weed in half
smoke half now/ half later
actually really high
really
don't have to get the kids for three hours
i'll be good by then

i feel like I am having way too much inner dialogue lately
like an innapproriate amount
maybe i always have
is that normal?

don't you love how some songs just give you that feeling
sigh
yes

oh yeah last night i was watching tv and the woman in the show was getting beat and as soon as i saw it i felt like myself about
to have a panic attck
i couldn't breathe at all
fuck
it makes me feel like a pussy that it bothered me
i hate it
some things are hard to shake
i like to tell myself it wasn't that bad

regrets - hopes

the past