how can i convince you its me i don't like

out of focus

2011-03-17 - 4:10 p.m.

I really bore myself.
I probably bore everyone else too.
I feel like I never know what to say so I just fill the silence with empty, meaningless words.
Sometimes I think it would be better if I just kept my mouth shut.

I am going to get fucked up.

It seems I'm always searching for that connection, for the perfect words, for those late night conversations,
that perfect high,that song that just says it all

When I think about the past it doesn't seem real. That can't be me.That is not my life.
In my mind it all kind of runs together like a montage in a bad movie.

I've been thinking strange thoughts lately.Maybe I always thought strange thoughts though.

I like when you get high and just space out and everything kinda goes out of focus.
I like getting lost in the music and my thoughts and not even realizing what I'm looking at.

I feel like getting fucked up and introspective and writing and writing and rambling.
I am afraid I have nothing to say.

I'm getting old.I'm getting closer to thirty, where does the time go?


My mouth tastes like cum and whiskey.

Nothing to write, nothing to say.

K2 just doesn't compare.

Sometimes it fills you up.
Most times it lets you down.

I'm drunk but I want to be drunker.
Shots here I come...


Maybe I'm too old for this.


He is always watching.He takes everything the wrong way.He thinks I'm out to get him.
He doesn't see how I feel.He doesn't seem to realize how much I've done for him, how much I've put up with.
Maybe it is just me. Maybe I'm expecting too much.Does evryone have these kind of problems?

/My handwriting is getting a little hard to read. Hastily scrawled, words crossed out,running together.I'm trying to make sense of it/

I'm such a big talker.
I'm so full of shit.

I wish I could just punch some people in the face, but I can't because I am a pussy,but lets pretend it is just because I'm nice.

I'm not going to get as drunk as I WANTED to tonight.It is getting late and I am still coherent.

I wanted to black out, to get lost in oblivion.It has been awhile.


I realized that seemingly insignificant moments, things you just brush off can be more meaningful than you ever imagined.
They could change the course of your life.Which makes me wonder, what moments am I brushing off now?

I wish we were different.

/I had to leave out alot.Idon't know what I was trying to say./

I wish I could shake this restlessness.I wish I could pass out.

I just realized Larry and I have nothing in common.
Scratch that.
We both like getting fucked up.

He used to think I was beautiful.I wonder if he still does?

I think Larry might be a little is 336 in the morning,he just gave me $400,"Go get your tatoo,buy clothes,whatever.Spend it on yourself.Don't pay bills.Don't save it."
I'm sure he'll want it back in the morning.

Larry always says I love you before I go to bed.I love that I don't have to say it first.

Every drunken conversation with him ends in tears.

Money doesn't buy forgiveness, neither do tears.


You know what?I don't give a fuck.

Tearful conversations about kids and dying and living and love and forgiving and moving on and forever.

Where the fuck will life take us next?

Time for bed it's morning.


The bright light of morning.

Oh my.
I feel like going on a binge. Just drinking and getting high for like a week straight.

I was supposed to work this morning.I thought I had the day off.I feel stupid.
Things like this really depress me. I hate it. I about lost it at work. I started crying.Ugh.
Heather please grow up.

...and I have a hickey

regrets - hopes

the past

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