how can i convince you its me i don't like

rudderless

2007-02-08 - 6:22 p.m.

Written in a little notebook last night.

It slipped my mind that I could use my brain.


Skip my meds,get high and listen to some music that I love, these are the times when I feel most like myself. Right now I am myself.

Sometimes lyrics seem to be written just for me.I love that.I love listening to a certain song and just breathing in, let it wash over me, let it overtake me. Music is a blessing. So is pot. ha ha.

_time for a hit_

Right now I am smoking and writing and listening to my headphones while larry sits across the trailer, at his desk doing homework.I am trying not to bother him.
We are doing alright together now.He stopped drinking vodka(as far as I know).That is good.I officially live at home but I stay at the trailer some nights, like tonight.

==breathe in==
==hold it==
==hold it==

I have been thinking alot about larry and the future lately.What is going to happen next?More drama or a nice quiet life? I can see myself with him forever. But I am not confident he'll stay with me.He is going to get tired of me. Or realize how ditzy I really am.Or move on to someone better than me.
I love him but I am afraid he'll break my heart.
Everyone is against me being with him. I hate that.I am making my own decision and not letting anyone make up my mind for me.My heart is saying that giving him a second chance is the right thing to do. I know it sounfs stupid and cliche. If he ever hits me again I'm gone for good. For real.

{{{hold it in till my lungs burst}}}


Living at home is getting some taking used to.I hate not being able to just sit in a t-shirt and panties and get high in front of the tv.(I do that at larry's but I'm not always there).I miss my privacy.My parents seem to always looking over my shoulder.I could just be paranoid though.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;


Tonight I am getting drunk.I am hoping that a few drinks will help me shake this melancholy that has been plaguing me lately.

I love getting stoned and spacing out and just getting lost for a minute.

//////A cashed bowl.Time to reload./////


I wish I were creative and artistic and a little bit cool. Instead I'm boring anf ditzy and lumpy.Ugh. I am too lazy to change.


I am so glad I am not alone.

I was wondering...
Am I more emotional than other people or just ill equipped to handle the same emotions others deal with easily. Am I just crazy?Does it really even matter? How many questions can I ask myself before I do start to lose it?Sometimes I feel like I am losing it for real.I get scared sometimes.


I can't wait to be drunk.

########################################

After smoking tow bowls I went home to get some mcdonalds my mom bought for me.It was delicious.Is it possible she doesn't know I smoke pot? I really don't know.I am seriously stoned though.
Smoke more...
------------
I just want to be something.
-----------------

I am slowly starting to gain my weight back.I can't let that happen.I wish I could just stop eating.I am just not as thin as I want to be.I hate that I care about my weight.I'm not 200 pounds anymore.I want to not have a round face. I want to look at myself naked in a mirror and not cringe. It'll happen...someday.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
'''

I want to cut.Long gashes on my arm seem so appealing.Lord, what is wrong with me? The pain brings everything in to focus.I know i let people fown when I do it. I know I shoudn't.Maybe just one before bed, or more than likely after I catch a buzz.Beautiful, bloody cuts are in my future.
Oh the Excitement.


Awash in abject melancholy
No reason
I want to cut it away.


Sometimes suspicion, paranoia and jealousy get the best of me.
Just shake it off.
ok.

========
----

Ahhh.The first drink of the night.That'll take the edge off.At least the edge that is ledt after 3 bowls.haha.

Losing track of time.
Smoke more.
Drink more.
OK.


I carved your name across my eyelids.


I think my hair will be forever tinted teal. I kind of like it.It is different and differet I like.

I feel old.
Ready to fade away.


I live in fear of a broken heart.


Drink Two.
Keep in mind that 4 get me good and drunk.I have 6 in the fridge so I think I'll make out ok tonight.

I'll let myself cut after 6 drinks if I still really feel the urge.More than likely I'll forget I even wanted to by then.


Tell me I am wonderful.
Tell me I am beautiful.
Sometimes I need to hear it.
Ha. Just lie.I don't care if it is an empty compliment.
Honest...
I just want some validation.

I feel worthless.

I need a hug, or a cut. I guess I'll settle for a hit and a swig of my drink.

I'm sinking in quickand.
Slowly yet inevitablely I will drown.

Drink Three.

He just said to me, "It alwys has to be about drugs with you."
Is that true?
*SIGH*

Drink Four.
My feelings are getting hurt easier.
Here we go...

Drink Five and Six.
He either hates me or loves me.


I think we might go the bar.We'll see what happens.
I'm drunk.

-___________________-____________-_______

The bright light of morning.
We did end up going to the bar last night.I had a couple long island iced teas and the rest of the night is a blur.I got trashed. Between drink six and going to the bar we fucked. I love having sex with him. It feels real if that makes any sense.

I forgot all about cutting.
Maybe tonight... maybe I don't need it.


The night's soundtrack.


Ballad of the Broken Seas - Isobel Campbell & Matk Lanegan

Funeral - The Arcade Fire

The Remote Part - Idlewild

The Best of the Lemonheads - The Lemonheads

Long Knives Drawn - Rainer Maria

Wincing the NIght Away - The Shins


Written in a little notebook last night.

It slipped my mind that I could use my brain.


Skip my meds,get high and listen to some music that I love, these are the times when I feel most like myself. Right now I am myself.

Sometimes lyrics seem to be written just for me.I love that.I love listening to a certain song and just breathing in, let it wash over me, let it overtake me. Music is a blessing. So is pot. ha ha.

_time for a hit_

Right now I am smoking and writing and listening to my headphones while larry sits across the trailer, at his desk doing homework.I am trying not to bother him.
We are doing alright together now.He stopped drinking vodka(as far as I know).That is good.I officially live at home but I stay at the trailer some nights, like tonight.

==breathe in==
==hold it==
==hold it==

I have been thinking alot about larry and the future lately.What is going to happen next?More drama or a nice quiet life? I can see myself with him forever. But I am not confident he'll stay with me.He is going to get tired of me. Or realize how ditzy I really am.Or move on to someone better than me.
I love him but I am afraid he'll break my heart.
Everyone is against me being with him. I hate that.I am making my own decision and not letting anyone make up my mind for me.My heart is saying that giving him a second chance is the right thing to do. I know it sounfs stupid and cliche. If he ever hits me again I'm gone for good. For real.

{{{hold it in till my lungs burst}}}


Living at home is getting some taking used to.I hate not being able to just sit in a t-shirt and panties and get high in front of the tv.(I do that at larry's but I'm not always there).I miss my privacy.My parents seem to always looking over my shoulder.I could just be paranoid though.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;


Tonight I am getting drunk.I am hoping that a few drinks will help me shake this melancholy that has been plaguing me lately.

I love getting stoned and spacing out and just getting lost for a minute.

//////A cashed bowl.Time to reload./////


I wish I were creative and artistic and a little bit cool. Instead I'm boring anf ditzy and lumpy.Ugh. I am too lazy to change.


I am so glad I am not alone.

I was wondering...
Am I more emotional than other people or just ill equipped to handle the same emotions others deal with easily. Am I just crazy?Does it really even matter? How many questions can I ask myself before I do start to lose it?Sometimes I feel like I am losing it for real.I get scared sometimes.


I can't wait to be drunk.

########################################

After smoking tow bowls I went home to get some mcdonalds my mom bought for me.It was delicious.Is it possible she doesn't know I smoke pot? I really don't know.I am seriously stoned though.
Smoke more...
------------
I just want to be something.
-----------------

I am slowly starting to gain my weight back.I can't let that happen.I wish I could just stop eating.I am just not as thin as I want to be.I hate that I care about my weight.I'm not 200 pounds anymore.I want to not have a round face. I want to look at myself naked in a mirror and not cringe. It'll happen...someday.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
'''

I want to cut.Long gashes on my arm seem so appealing.Lord, what is wrong with me? The pain brings everything in to focus.I know i let people fown when I do it. I know I shoudn't.Maybe just one before bed, or more than likely after I catch a buzz.Beautiful, bloody cuts are in my future.
Oh the Excitement.


Awash in abject melancholy
No reason
I want to cut it away.


Sometimes suspicion, paranoia and jealousy get the best of me.
Just shake it off.
ok.

========
----

Ahhh.The first drink of the night.That'll take the edge off.At least the edge that is ledt after 3 bowls.haha.

Losing track of time.
Smoke more.
Drink more.
OK.


I carved your name across my eyelids.


I think my hair will be forever tinted teal. I kind of like it.It is different and differet I like.

I feel old.
Ready to fade away.


I live in fear of a broken heart.


Drink Two.
Keep in mind that 4 get me good and drunk.I have 6 in the fridge so I think I'll make out ok tonight.

I'll let myself cut after 6 drinks if I still really feel the urge.More than likely I'll forget I even wanted to by then.


Tell me I am wonderful.
Tell me I am beautiful.
Sometimes I need to hear it.
Ha. Just lie.I don't care if it is an empty compliment.
Honest...
I just want some validation.

I feel worthless.

I need a hug, or a cut. I guess I'll settle for a hit and a swig of my drink.

I'm sinking in quickand.
Slowly yet inevitablely I will drown.

Drink Three.

He just said to me, "It alwys has to be about drugs with you."
Is that true?
*SIGH*

Drink Four.
My feelings are getting hurt easier.
Here we go...

Drink Five and Six.
He either hates me or loves me.


I think we might go the bar.We'll see what happens.
I'm drunk.

-___________________-____________-_______

The bright light of morning.
We did end up going to the bar last night.I had a couple long island iced teas and the rest of the night is a blur.I got trashed. Between drink six and going to the bar we fucked. I love having sex with him. It feels real if that makes any sense.

I forgot all about cutting.
Maybe tonight... maybe I don't need it.


The night's soundtrack.


Ballad of the Broken Seas - Isobel Campbell & Matk Lanegan

Funeral - The Arcade Fire

The Remote Part - Idlewild

The Best of the Lemonheads - The Lemonheads

Long Knives Drawn - Rainer Maria

Wincing the NIght Away - The Shins

regrets - hopes

the past

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