2006-08-17 - 11:07 a.m.

I hate when the hopelessnee begins to set in.
It useless to fight it.
It drives me to cut, cut, cut.
It makes me want to die.
Cutting has been harder to hide as of late.
I've been sticking to thin shallow cuts with a razor blade. I love the way the blood slowly beads up the runs together to
form a solid line.
Today I scratched at the cuts until the skin around it begins to get raw.I wanted to get as much blood as possible.
Isn't that messed up?
I have six small cuts on my upper arm. They will be gone before anyone ever notices I'm sure,
I was only going to cut one time but I just needed more and more until it was six.
Fuck me.

I keep imagining killing myself.
Sometimes I want to do it so bad.
I could slash my wrists after I take larry to work.
That sounds so appealing.

I could do it.

I need to get fucked up.
I don't want to feel like this anymore.
I can't take it.
I can't.
I don't know if I can get drunk enough to escape this feeling tonight.
It will chase me until dawn.

Why can't I be what everyone wants me to be?

I feel restless. I am bored with practically everything.

Getting drunk and high just isn't doing for me what cutting can.
It isn't making as oblivious or as consumed,
But if I I close my eyes I can feel the sting of a razor slicing my skin.
Boom boom boom.
I can feel the blood pumping through my heart faster and faster.
The feeling of completion and then the consuming guilt.
Sometimes the guilt is worth the five seconds of everything being ok.

I hate this.

I have to escape it. I have to.

I will somehow...

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That was yesterday.today I feel the same. I didn't get fucked up last night. I just couldn't get into it.
I just fought with larry all night, like always.

Oh well.

regrets - hopes

the past