2006-07-15 - 11:39 a.m.

Eight on the dot.
I think I've waited long enough,time to start drinking.
I am off work tomorrow so I am going to get extra fucked up tonight.
Good bye sobriety, hello weekend.
I have been getting pretty wasted almost every night anyway so I'll make tonight special by going the extra mile,
by taking that extra shot that I know I shouldn't.
I'll hold my hits in extra long.
If I feel like it I'll cut.
Though I'll probably spend the night alone drinking I can't rule out the possibility of people possibly dropping by.
I'll do whatever drugs they happen to have.ha.
That is just a thought.In reality I'll more than likely spend all night in front of the computer, trying to keep my eyes focused
and write and drink and smoke and think.
I'll feel sorrier for myself the drunker I get or maybe I'll get so drunk I'll forget myself and feel ok.
Larry says that I'm dumb. Dumb. Ok.He says that I feel too sorry for myself and I shouldn't and that is dumb and therefore I am dumb.
I know it is stupid but that kind of hurt my feelings.
He also said I was too nice, like not in a good way though.
He was like, "God, you are too nice. He had this disgusted look on his face.

Silly, silly girl.

Is it so bad for me to want someone to like me as much as I like them? Is that too much?

Stupid.

Eight eighteen.My friend amy just called.She is going to come over for a bit.I guess I'll have some company after all.
I'll write off and on throughout the night when I am alone and post in the morning.
She lives way on the west side so I'll try to write until she gets here, while I am still coherent.

Last night I drank a few bottles of wine. Larry brought some of his friends over to smoke at like midnight.They seemed a little shady.
Maybe not. They were guys with oversized clothes, slightly skewed baseball caps,slurred speech and crazy names.
They talked about being arrested and drug deals.They talked about fights and tv and rap.ha.
How do I fit into this picture?

Eight twenty three.He just called.He gets off work at nine thirty.He is coming over afterwards.I guess I will be doing something tonight after all.

It looks like I'll add a little extra rum to my drink now.

Looking back to Monday night. I got stoned with my little sister and then we(including larry) all went to ihop.
It was delicious.I hate that I love food so much sometimes. Anyway. Afterwards we went to my apartment and proceeded to drink.
Later A few of my friends came over.We, well I got obliterated, they got drunk I'm sure. Larry left at around ten thirty.
Everyone else left around one. My little sister slept on my couch.
I went to bed, or rather passed out in bed.
A light flips on. I blink, adjusting my eyes.I look up squinting.
It is larry and some other guy.
"I told you I was coming back"
He did?
I guess I forgot to lock my door.
"Are you ready to smoke?"
Ok.
I sit up.I'm still drunk and half asleep.
"Do you have any foil?"
Foil? What do we need foil for?
Yeah in the kitchen.
Time whizzes by.
Ok inhale.
I breathe in.
This isn't weed. Nope.
Meth.
Dirty, nasty meth.
FUCK.Fuck.Fuck.
What was I doing? Jesus.
Your hit.Breath in.
Ok.
Oh well.
Oh god.
Hold on.
I run out of the room. I make it to the bathroom vomit spewing out of my mouth and nose.Gross.
I clean up and go back refusing the next hits.
I'm good.
It feels like sunshine. Bright, blinding sunshine.
We stayed up all night.Sitting on bed and talking and talking and talking.
I never felt this before. Not even with cocaine.
Fuck.

I stayed up forever. Forever.
I bowled a 178 later that morning.
Did I mention I love bowling.I do.
I'm starting to feel a little fucked up now. ha.

Some dude named ninja left a chunk of weed on my table. Hmmm. Ok. I'll smoke it.

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intermission
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The next day.Eleven thirty two.
I ended up getting pretty fucked up last night.
Really fucked up.
My friends came over, then larry and we drank and smoked and then I drank some more.

I don't feel like writing right now.

To be continued...

regrets - hopes

the past