how can i convince you its me i don't like

conversations with myself

2006-06-27 - 12:08 p.m.

Today I found fault with even my shadow

There is a part of me that hates the way you fuck me.
There is a part of me that loves the way you taste.
There is a part of me that scares you while you're sleeping.
There is a part of me that you can never stop.

Yesterday I made it to the movies with my mom.She convinced me to get a popcorn.
Four handfuls in I am full.Towards the end of the movie I feel the nasuea rising.Oh god.
I kept trying to breathe and wait until I got home to be sick.
No such luck.I vomitted violently in a movie theater bathroom stall.I could see little girl flip flops clapping past.
I came out of the stall and glanced in the mirror.
Glassy eyes, flushed cheeks, slighty sweaty and I had lost weight.
I made it back for the end of the movie.I brushed it off to my mom and she let it drop after sternly saying you need to eat healthier

He called when I got home. He wanted to know if I had a quarter to sell.I said I didn't know and had to call him back.
I never called him back.After I hung up with him I went right to bed.It was about six thirty.
I slept a restless, sober sleep.

I wasn't hung over at all at work.That was kind of nice.
After work I called my sister and we got high and went thrift shopping and to taco bell.
It was fun.
I know no one cares but I got this cute sparkly nose ring! Just like I've been wanting.
Oh the small things.
Tonight is my night off.I can drink tonight and actually sleep it off tomorrow.

You wouldn't believe how many times I get up to check the phone and to check the door.
I flush the toilet.Did I miss the phone ring?
I was in the closet.Did someone knock?
It is getting to be ridiculous.I feel like I spend a considerable portion of my day just checking these things.
I'm losing it.ha.

Right now I could just tumble, tumble down a flight of stairs.

I hate how that first drink makes me shudder.


That was yesterday.

Fast Forward.


My stomach hurts.

Last night he came over.
I had had a couple bottles of wine, some vodka and smoked countless bowls.
Needless to say I was wasted.
He fucked me.Twice.
I feel weird.Really.
I don't think he used a condom.I'm scared to say I don't remember.
I don't even fucking know.
I'm not going to get pregnant.Right?

I eat up the lies that he feeds me.
I want to stay the night.
I want to meet your parents.

My panties are bloodstained. Rough.

It's ok he had permission.

God damn.

This is the end of any hope that frank would eventually come back.
I don't think I'm the same now.
I'm not.

I'm dead.Dead.

Does he think I'm a slut?

He said I was beautiful and that is all it took.

I am a slut.

regrets - hopes

the past

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