2006-06-25 - 1:14 p.m.

Take advantage of me.
Use me.
Hurt me.
Lust not love.
Not fit for daylight.
Feed me lies.
Make me feel special.
Just pretend to want me.

Betrayal with a single sentence.

I wonder what it is like to be dead.

I hate working weekends.

I know what you are I just don't care.

I won't come down for anyone.

If you find comfort in another's touch. Does it matter who that other is?
I just need reassurance.
Ok?

I'm going to spend the night sitting on my futon.I'm going to turn off all the lights.
I'll light a candle so i'll have enough light not to trip when I get further wasted.
I'll listen to elliot smith.
And think and write in my head.
And eventually pass out.

I have too many imagined conversaitions.

How many lives are similar to mine?

My breasts are yellow and green from week old bruises.

My feelings are hurt.
I made an effort an actually called him.Dumb.Desperate.
He said he was going bowling or something and that he'd stop by before and call me.
Yeah.
Didn't do either one.
God I am so god damn stupid,
Fuck.
Really.
What is wrong with me?

I spilled the bong water.
I've had four bottles of wine and countless hits of weed,
Oh fuck.
i'm clumsy and dizzy.
Wow.

I don't know whatis wrong with me.

Ill admit that I put off posting this in hopes that he'd call, I didn't wantto ti eup thephone line.
God.

Therer are only so many times you can avoid fucking a girl before she gets the picture.

I'm such a bad person,

I thinkonce I held some innocence.Ithink.
Do y ou remember.

I'm going tocry.

or throw up.
FUCk.

Oh my.

Rejectionhurts.
love hurts.
Sometimes even friendships and families hurt

I hurt.

PATHETIC.

After work tomorrow I'm spending the day in bed.
Indeed.

---------
/////////
---------

The next day.

I passed out on the floor by the phone waiting for him to call.
why do I do this to myself?
I'm just disgusting.

I crave affection more than any drug.

I woke up just in time to throw some clothes on and go to work.

Today I'm angry and bitter and easily irritated.
I haven't been able to stop gritting my teeth all morning.
Every little thing is making me want to scream.
ahhhh.

Pills.Where are my pills? It has been a few days...

Today at work I imagined being crushed in the baler. Crushed to death.
I imagined my bones snapping.I could almost hear it.

I have become slightly obsessed with writing, with words.
I sit in front of the computer for hours.I bathe in the glow of the screen searching for the perfect words.
I have yet to find them.

I think I will always remember these mornings.
Driving to work in near darkness high and hungover.
Taking on ramps too fast.
Loud music drowns out the dread.
I always arrive and wonder how I got there.

I told my mom I 'd go to the movies with her this afternoon.
I guess I'd better go make myself presentable, if that's possible.

regrets - hopes

the past