2006-06-18 - 3:35 p.m.
I don't care about being alive.I don't care about what happens to me.
At least I'll be used for something even if it is getting someone off. How is it that despair or whatever emotions might drive you can cause a radical change.Is it hopelessnees.Or need.
Frank encouraged me to go for other guys.That hurt.
Lust.Love.Friendship.Lonliness.Everything is jumbled and unclear.I am about to make some horrible decisions.
I don't care.
Tonight I will focus my energy on getting a guy off with my mouth. A hard cock ramming the back of my throat sounds good right now.
Will I go through with it?
Does it matter?
At least some guys let ugly girls give them head. Ha.
I'm looking for the perfect conversation.
I wish I weren't so boring.
Holding hands.Bumping shoulders and knees.Nervous laughs.Fluttery stomachs. Imagined tension.Hollow disappointment.Feeling foolish.Ugly embarrassment.What can't be because I'm stupid and he is too good.He can see that I'm desperate and it causes akward silences and looks of pity.I'm a drunk.
Is it all in my head. Is it the drugs? Or is there something?
I'm undecided but feeling more and more down as the day progresses.I need to take my mind off of everything.
Which vice should I make use of?All seem like viable options.
regrets - hopes