heartbreak and other maladies
2006-04-30 - 1:38 p.m.
Hiding this heavy sorrow has never been easier. No one knows that every second I just want everything to stop. My heart is breaking as is my spirit.
Frank doesn't love me.More than that, I don't even think he likes me at times.I can tell when he gets a certain expression he is annoyed with me, lately I see that expression alot more. He thinks I am fat, too fat to touch. I haven't had sex in way too long. I have never felt so ugly in my entire life. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide forever. No one needs to see the mess that is me. I try to kiss him and he turns away. I beg to suck his cock and he pushes me away, saying not right now.I have become desperate for any sign of affection and have responded with desperate measures(things which I don't want to put into writing)I am pathetic.
Pathetic and lonely.
Today frank is celebrating his birthday with his family... I was not included. ::SIGH::
I started cutting again.I wonder how many times I will write those words in my life? I don't feel bad about it either. I feel triumphant and pround and a little bit giddy about it. I cut three times on my wrist and then I thought... how to hide this? So I let it heal and cut on my thighs where no one can see.I am not going to stop. No one is going to stop me.
I love watching the blood well up from the skin and bead up and bead up and then drip, drip, drip down my leg. It is such a rush, such a release. It is beautiful. I love the criss cross scabs and scars. I love the sting of a sharp blade.
Everyone thinks I am fine and I want I it to stay that way.As I see it I am fine.
Right now the only friend I've got is my blade and she is waiting...
regrets - hopes