afraid not scared
2005-02-24 - 12:57 p.m.
I've come to the conclusion that I'll never be completely happy(not without meds anyway)I'll just have to keep going for those rare moments where everything is perfect.Because those moments make all the shit seems worth it.
Living on my own is going ok.I don't want to sound stupid but I really miss my family even though they are less than 5 minutes away.I never really realized how much they meant to me until now.Money is tight but I am not struggling yet.As soon as frank gets a job I can relax.
I decided to start college in the summer.I hope I don't chicken out.I'm majoring in business management(I think)I am glad that I waited until now to start because I know I wasn't ready when I graduated high school.I honestly don't know if I'm ready now.I just need to suck it up and make myself go.
I am starting to realize who my friends are.Alot of people I used to be close with I just don't feel close to anymore.It is not that I dislike them, I just can't relate to them.In fact I almost feel uncomfortable around them.The people that I do feel close to I rarely see.I need to change that.
I've been drug free for three weeks.I have to admit that I'm proud of myself.I hope that I can stay away from them indefinitely.I love smoking pot but it isn't worth the fear that I feel or going to jail.I hope that someday it is legalized.At least I have hard liquor.
My depression is getting worse.I hate to even admit that because I've been trying so hard to stay positive.It seems the harder that I try the worse I feel.I starting cutting again(FUCK)The weed used to help numb everything but I've lost that.Drinking helps but...I don't want to be an alcoholic(plus I can't afford to be)Yesterday I cut my leg at work.I thought it was just a little cut to help me get through the day.I looked down five minutes later and my pants had a rapidly growing bloodstain on them.I was mortified.I hope it escaped evryone's notice.I can't concentrate anymore.I'm always tired,and crying.If frank sees my blade he'll take it.I always find it though,plus I have a secret stash.What is worse cutting or drinking? I guess drinking is more socially acceptable.
We have free cable!
regrets - hopes