things falling apart
2004-09-10 - 1:42 p.m.
I said I was going to keep taking my medicine and since I've said that I have not taken it once.I'm so stupid.
I feel the heavy weight of sorrow coming down on me.Why do I have to feel this way?
I want to be ok.It seems like I'll have a good couple of weeks and then have a bad couple of months.I wish it were the other way around.
A couple of things have been bothering me and I don't know what to do about it.I'd like to get it resolved.I keep meaning to call doug and talk about it but I don't really know how to approach this.Work is becoming hell because of it.I'm always afraid he'll be there.He just makes me feel embarrassed,and slutty and absolutely horrible about myself.Shannon told me he said I was a tease.Whatever.If he thinks that ok but does he have to tell people at work?People I see everday.Plus he wrote some things about me in his journal that hurt.First I was really angry and then I was really hurt.Then I started to think maybe some of the things he said were true.It made me see myself in a very unflattering light.It made me hate the person I am.Is the way he sees me the way everyone else sees me?I want to crawl into bed and stay there forever.I said things in anger that I regret.I wish I could take them back.I just considered doug one of my really good friends and now I feel like he never even knew me.Maybe I don't even know myself.I'm trying to move on and hopefully this is the last time doug will ever be mentioned in here again.
I am so exhausted.I've been working so much this week.I actually am getting like 5 hours of overtime which for target is amazing.Today jessica and I were talking about owen and aric thought we were talking about a dildo.ha ha.Oh and I'd love to kick robert's ass.He is such a two faced bastard.
I still can't decide what I want to be for halloween.All I know is I want it to be cute and just a little bit slutty.
The garden state soundtrack is amazing.Almost every song gives me chills.I highly recommend it.
On the drive to work this morning I wished that a drunk driver would hit and kill me.Then I'd finally get what I deserve.The world would be rid of one more fat bitch.
Also... I started cutting again.Fuck trying to stop.Why should I struggle not to do something that no one cares about anyway.I am glad winter is coming soon.That means I can wear long sleeves and slice up my arms.I just want a reason to stop.I want a reason to try.I want a reason to hope.
Frank is my only salvation.Even though he may not love me my love for him is what gets me through the day.I would probably forgive frank anything.He could probably beat me and I'd stay with him.That is not something I'm proud to admit.
This is not the person I'm supposed to be...
regrets - hopes