how can i convince you its me i don't like

if I asked for your help would you walk away?

2004-08-17 - 11:32 a.m.

Yesterday was awful.I woke up and thought that it was truly the end.I sobbed the entire way to work.Once there I was just kind of in a zombie state.I worked and tried not to think.I ran down the aisle about every 30 minutes to cry.Hopefully nobody noticed.By about 10 I had convinced myself to kill myself after work.So I call frank just to hear his voice.He immediately can tell something's really wrong.I told him I was just having a bad day but he didn't believe me.

I keep working until I finally can not stand another second and ask Jeff if I can leave.Since it was already 12 he let me go.I go outside and it is pouring.At this point I'm feeling desperate and really really scared.I sat on the bench outside,in the rain, shivering and crying like the fuck up I am.Doug and Shannon walk by and shannon was like are you ok? I wanted to say no, please help me.I am going to die.But I didn't.I smiled and said I'm fine.Doug really didn't say anything to me but whatever.Sometimes I think he hates me.I thought at one point we were really good friends.Anyway...

I sat out in the rain for a good 30 minutes and then went and sat in my car for 30 more.Finally Frank shows up and sees me sitting in my car.He opens the door and immediately bends down and hugs me.He just held me while I cried.He kept kissing my face and touching my hair.After about 3 minutes he asks me what was wrong.He thought maybe someone had said something to me.I couldn't stop crying long enough to form a complete sentence and I doubt he could understood what I was trying to say.Finally(I think I was hysterical) I started sobbing I'm sorry,over and over.He asked me what I was going to do.I immediately quieted and just looked at him.I am pretty sure he knew.He called into work and made come over to his house.I think he was afraid to leave me alone.I went over there and slept.

When I woke up he was gone and I just sat there thinking.Frank might not be sure what he feels for me or where this is going but he does care for me in his own way.And I would give up my life for frank.Everytime I think about him to this day I still feel my heart beat a little faster.

When he finally came back(he'd been jogging) we talked. I told him about everything(well most of it) and he listened and held me when I cried.

I am just really tired.Really tired.

Tired of my shitty job and shitty paychecks and getting nowhere.

Tired of losing friendships that meant alot.Which there have been quite a few.

1)Warren - Warren saved my life(literally)if you really want all the details I probably wrote about it(April 2001)We lost touch partly because he graduated and partly because of frank.He was a great person to talk to about anything.

2)Mike/Jacob - I lost touch with them after I stopped working on base.Both always made me laugh.

3)Brianna - At one point I considered her my best friend.After frank she stopped talking to me(I still am confused as to why)Then we were friends again but it was never the same.

4) Amber- we both just changed too much

5) Doug - our friendship is off and on which really confuses me.I think he thinks that I am trying to mess with him or something but I'm honestly not.

On the other hand I feel like I'm becoming better friends with Jessica, Carissa and Amy which is cool.It's nice to actually have friends who are girls again.Though I can't tlk to them about my depression and stuff.I feel like it makes them uncomfortable.

Also the last two nights Frank and I have had some good,no great sex.

Today at work I felt really shaky and, I don't know if this makes sense, scared.It built up until I finally had a panic attack.I left at eight.I was so relieved to get out of that place.

Tomorrow I'm off work.Yay! I am only concentrating on today.I just have to make it through today.

Oh... One more thing.I was playing with gypsy(my cat,who I absolutely adore)and didn't realize Frank was paying attention to me and I said, not thinking, Gypsy you are the only one who really loves me.Frank got this weird look on his face and said, you don't think I love you? Whattttt???? I was like you told me you didn't, remember? He said oh yeah I remember.

What? Is this not sending mixed signals???? I love him anyway.

I am supposed to get scarlet diva(doug recommended it) and this anime I wanted to see from netflix tomorrow.Cool.

I also shredded my arm.I am not to upset over it though.I do regret cutting the word numb onto my arm though, it is kind of embarrassing. Note to self: Only cut words on leg.So far I have these on my leg: EMPTY, NUMB,HOPELESS,LOST,UGLY. I know there are more but without looking I can't remember.Also Frank on my stomach(which has almost faded away) and life on my hand which was the first word I ever cut and I'm sure will still be there when I die, luckily it is not very noticeable.

I'm been thinking about going back to paperclips.The upside: more pain,leaves raised white scars,easy to hide.Downside:less blood, the scars.

I don't know if I can do with out the blood.I still loves the way it looks against my pale skin.I could go on but I wouldn't want anyone thinking I'm anymore fucked up.Ha!


regrets - hopes

the past

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