2004-06-23 - 12:26 p.m.

Do you ever get a feeling of being numb?So numb you wonder if you are really alive? The urge to cut,to bleed is building.I need proof that I am real.Does that make any sense?

I haven't cut in quite a while.I don't feel proud though.I actually feel as though I've lost something.

Nothing is really going the way I want.Even with medication, with this fragile stability, I still haven't been able to find hope, a reason to keep trying.I wouldn't say I'm said exactly, just hopeless.

Things with Frank and I are back to normal.But in all honesty I'm not happy with that.I want so much more and he wants things to remain at this standstill.Sometimes I think I hate him for making me this way. I don't even want to think about this now.

I'm getting high more and more.I like it because I don't have to think.I'm probably wasting my life but I don't really give a fuck.I want to try harder drugs in hopes that I'll overdose and die.

I hate these feelings.I hate myself.I hate this lonliness.

regrets - hopes

the past