2004-04-19 - 1:52 p.m.

Alright.

My life is falling apart.

I've lost the one person I've ever loved.I tried to be what I thought he wanted.I let go of my dreams for him and it got me nowhere.I guess you can't force someone to love you.Frank and I have been quickly falling apart this last month. I am falling at a much faster rate.

He doesn't love me.I never thought that I wouldn't have him in my life.I love him blindly.How can you stop loving someone?

So officially we are not together.We are together all the time.We still fuck each other.But my loved is not returned.Frank wants... I don't know what he wants.He is confused and I think at this point I am more confused.I feel like he is fucking with me.

Ok.Now for Saturday night.Let the drama unfold.We hang out with friends all day.A movie,dinner just harmless fun.Here is where it goes wrong.We all go back to Aric's to drink.(It was me,frank,aric,doug,josh and tiffani)I never know when to stop.I drank an entire bottle of whiskey and a couple of beers.Bad idea.I don't even know where to start.

I made out with doug.Well he made out with me.(Frank saw us and made no move to stop it) I had no idea what was going on.Anyway I am not making excuses.I realized what was going on and feel awful.I get up and leave the apartment.I go and lie down underneath my car.I was drunk and it seemed like a good place to hide.I am lying there sobbing and I here someone say my name.So I quiet down and listen.It is josh and tiffani, there voice are carrying from the balcony.They were saying how Frank kept trying to break up with me and I wouldn't let him.They kept talking about me.They made me sound so pathetic and sad.So of course I feel worse.Then Frank and Doug walk by the car looking for me.I overhear Doug say "I tried to distract her just like you told me" WHAT THE FUCK??? So I lie there crying for who knows how long.Finally Aric finds me and we walk to the park to talk.Aric is a nice guy.I think if I got anything out of this it is a friend in him.

We head back to the apartment and I drink alot more.I feel completely lost and empty.After doing so good with my cutting.I cut.I cut my right calf up pretty bad.Over 25 cuts.Then I showed Aric which is embarrassing.

After that thins are pretty blurry.I remember lots of crying.I woke up in Frank's bed hours later still drunk off my ass.Frank and I fucked.I cried some more.I kept crying for a few more hours.

I think we agreed to basically be fuck buddies.

I hate that I love him so much.I feel like I can't live without him.I don't know what to do.

I called into work today.I just don't want to see anyone.I want to lie in bed and never move.I want to be dead.

regrets - hopes

the past