2004-01-22 - 11:15 a.m.

Still can't cry.I don't know what is wrong with me.

I've decided, though everyone has advised me not to, to get back on medication.No one undersatands how I feel and if they did I think they see why I want to get back on meds.If I could stop the way I felt then I would.But I can't.Everything is spinning out of control and I can't take much more.I don't think I'd make it another two weeks.I want to die.Honestly.I feel so completely hopeless.If this will help then I am going to try it.I need all the help I can get.My sister was asking me about it and I told that if she felt comfortable about it and if she thought it would help then she should.Fuck what anyone else thought.This is about her and no one else.Then I realized that what I said was true.I need something.I need hope.I am going to try.Everyone who told me that I didn't need medication doesn't understand.I need something.Everyday is a struggle.

Fuck right now I'd kill to go back in time and change so many things, thank a few people and realize how good I had it before I started sinking.

regrets - hopes

the past