2004-01-13 - 1:44 p.m.

I feel it's slow descent and I am beginning to panic.I thought I had gotten past this point.

I can't sleep anymore.I can't think.I can't concentrate.I can't cry.Since friday I've gotten about 9 hours of sleep.I work eight or more hours eveyday and it is finally getting to me.I lie and bed and try to let the exhaustion take over and I can't.There are too many thoughts cluttering my brain.

I need to cry.Everything is just building and building and soon I know it'll have to be released.I just don't when or how.I am scared.I don't if ever been this scared.I thought maybe cutting would make me cry and I was wrong.I cut and felt a small relief but that was it and it was gone within the hour.I put about 40 thin cuts on my arm, almost more scratches.I regret that now.I get to hot at work to wear long sleeves.I know they see them and don't want to know what they think.I am so fucked up and I hate it.I think I do a pretty good job of pretending.At work,with friends and to a point even with frank.I am about to breakdown and nobody knows it.

I need to get away from this,away from everything.I need a sharp blade and a bottle of sleeping pills, then maybe everything will be ok?????Please.

FUCK.Why won't anything get better?

I can't get on medication.Everyone says its a bad idea.I don't want to disappoint.

I need sleep.Today on the drive home from work I ran off the road.I wish I would have run into a telephone pole.

For a taste of hope I would give anything.

Please let this go away.

regrets - hopes

the past