2003-12-16 - 2:04 p.m.

Everything is falling apart.

For so long it seemed I was going to be ok.I got my cutting down to once every couple of months.It wasn't even bad cutting.I'd have a bad day and cut myself.Tiny little cuts that were gone in a week.

Everything is falling apart.I feel empty and numb again.Most of all I feel hopeless.I've been out of high school a year and I've gone nowhere.I haven't gone to college because I am terrified.The thought of people,and the pressure makes me sick to my stomach.I won't ever be anything.I'll always be stupid fucked up heather.

I thought maybe Frank would take care of me.Who the hell was I kidding? It is hard enough for him to take care of himself.Two and a half years together and he doesn't even want to live with me.We lived together for seven months and I thought everything was going fine but I was obviously fooling myself.After our lease was up he said he wanted to move back in with his parents.I was devastated.I feel like he doesn't even know me sometimes.He thinks my depression is a phase and it'll work itself out.I wish that were true.

So here I am living at home six months away from being twenty with no prospects, a dead end job, a dead end relationship and no fucking hope.

I started cutting again.Cutting worse than I ever had.I urge to cut is stronger than I ever remember it being.I can't stop at one cut.I keep going.I am so afraid.I cut the word empty onto my thigh along with countless other cuts.No one knows they are there except me and frank.This makes me feel almost proud, that is fucked up.Frank sees them but all he says is don't do that and then pretends that they are not there.Whatever.I want to cut on my arms.I don't want anyone to know that I am cutting again though.

I want to slit my throat.I want the blood to drip down my body.I want my hands to be slick with it.

I don't know how much more I can stand.

regrets - hopes

the past