2002-07-17 - 5:42 p.m.

Well I am back at home. The last few days have been emotional to say the least.

Monday I asked my dad to move the van for me(because he was parked behind me) and he like blew up at me for no reason. He said he was tired of me and I was hurt and angry so I said I was tired of him too. He said "well there is the door why don't you leave". So I did.

I met Carissa, Lindsay and Jessica at the Perk. Later that night we all really wanted to get drunk so Frank went to the liquor store and they didn't even card him. Lindsay was so excited and it was cute. We went back to Carissa's house and drank vodka in her garage and had fun. We gave lots of high fives. I gave Frank a blow job in front of them which now that I am sober I am very embarassed about.

I slept it off at Frank's house and went to my psychiatrist's appointment in the morning. I talked to her about it and she told me to take a few of my pills(the ones that help me sleep)and that should help my stress. I took them at 11:30 am and went to Frank's house. I didn't wake up until 11 this morning. That is almost 24 hours of sleep!Then I went home because my mom was really upset and I needed a shower badly. I went home and took a shower and then I talked to my dad. He said that he didn't want me to leave, that he just wanted the best for me. Then he started crying(and my dad never cries, I've only seen him cry once before when grandma died) and said I made it so damn hard, and that he loved me and he just wanted me to grow up. I honestly think in the last few days I've grown up alot. Just being alone with no money, no job and nowhere to go is a stark reality that made me realize how hard it is to be on your own.

I got the burger king job and I start tomorrow at 3. Now I just need another job and I should be ok.

Frank read my diary entry about how I was upset about him going out with evan the night he got home and he sent me this e-mail in reply:

"That is all I'm going to say about that because I don't want to say anything

that I might regret"

"why did you write this? I called you that day 3 times in advance, and emailed

you the day before, and you still made plans...why do you act as though i

didnt try to get ahold of you? He invited me and i said yes because i couldnt get aholdof you that day.

i see now how it is. have fun getting stoned tonight."

I didn't get his email until later that day. I was out shopping with my parents during the day. He doesn't reach me by 3 and he automatically assumes that I won't be able to do anything that night. Whatever. It shows what is really important to him I guess. I know he tried to get ahold of me but didn't have the patience to wait and try again a little later? Everyday he was gone I kept saying how much I wanted him to come home. I guess he didn't miss me as much as I missed him and that hurts. It really hurts. Maybe I'm just too sensitive?

regrets - hopes

the past