lies and emptiness
2002-01-22 - 9:15 p.m.
I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today. It went like this:
Debbie: So how are you?
Me: Better. I feel ok. I am alot happier now. (lie)
Debbie: So the paxil is working?
Me: Yes (half truth)
Debbie: No thoughts of cutting, or harming yourself? Of suicide?
Me: Nope, none (LIE)
Debbie: Have you been going out with friends? Getting out of bed? Have you still felt nervous around people and at school?
Me: I've been going out alot more. (lie)
I am such a fucking liar.
In September Frank and I are taking a road trip to Canada, just me and him. I am actually looking forward to it. I haven't looked forward to anything in such a long time. Honestly I don't know if I'll make it that long. Maybe now that I have this I will? I don't know why I am looking forward to this so much but I am.
Tonight I went to the perk with Carissa. It was nice. I smoke a couple of cigarettes and I loved it. I forgot how much I like to smoke. After the perk we went and walked around the river. It was so nice outside. I wish the weather was always like this. On the way home Carissa stopped like a block in front of a stoplight, it was so funny. I am so glad she asked me to go with her. I rarely leave the house anymore(other than school).
I feel empty.
regrets - hopes