how can i convince you its me i don't like

lies and emptiness

2002-01-22 - 9:15 p.m.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today. It went like this:

Debbie: So how are you?

Me: Better. I feel ok. I am alot happier now. (lie)

Debbie: So the paxil is working?

Me: Yes (half truth)

Debbie: No thoughts of cutting, or harming yourself? Of suicide?

Me: Nope, none (LIE)

Debbie: Have you been going out with friends? Getting out of bed? Have you still felt nervous around people and at school?

Me: I've been going out alot more. (lie)

I am such a fucking liar.

In September Frank and I are taking a road trip to Canada, just me and him. I am actually looking forward to it. I haven't looked forward to anything in such a long time. Honestly I don't know if I'll make it that long. Maybe now that I have this I will? I don't know why I am looking forward to this so much but I am.

Tonight I went to the perk with Carissa. It was nice. I smoke a couple of cigarettes and I loved it. I forgot how much I like to smoke. After the perk we went and walked around the river. It was so nice outside. I wish the weather was always like this. On the way home Carissa stopped like a block in front of a stoplight, it was so funny. I am so glad she asked me to go with her. I rarely leave the house anymore(other than school).

I feel empty.

regrets - hopes

the past

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