2002-01-19 - 11:46 p.m.

What is the fucking point?

The only thing keeping me here is frank. He is all I have anymore. Tonight I went out and the whole time I just thought about how much I wanted to die. Everyone was happy and having fun and I tried. I really tried but I felt absolutely miserable. Why can't I just enjoy myself? Anyway it just made me want to slit my wrist. In fact I wanted to cut so bad. I was freaking out because I couldn't find a knife. I was searching through my car almost in tears because I couldn't find anything sharp. In the end I used my keys. I sat in the hallway with people all around and dug my keys into the back of my leg. It hurt. It felt good. But I really wanted to bleed and that didn't happen. Why can't I just kill myself and get it over with?

Sigh. I wish I had someone who would just hold me while I cried. I need that right now. I feel like I am just a burden to Frank. He just has so much more to worry about. I don't want to bother him. He gives me so much already.

regrets - hopes

the past