2001-12-24 - 1:03 p.m.

No one is going to play the harp when you die...

I just told my boyfriend that I haven't cut in two weeks. That is actually true. I told him if he doesn't burn himself then I won't cut. After he left the only thought that occupies my mind is that of cutting. He burns for different reasons than I cut. He wants to expand his threshold of pain. I think that if he felt the way I felt when I cut he would burn alot more. All the pain is bottled up inside me, cutting allows a little of it out. Cutting makes me feel like I have some control. I don't think I'll make it through the night without cutting. Even when I am happy I want to cut. I want the blood to spill down my arm. Blood makes me feel so alive. It is an escape from this perpetual emptiness. I am so tired of people saying they understand. They tell me not to cut like it is easy for me to stop. Fuck, if it was easy I'd stop. I need the pain. I feel like I deserve it. I wish Frank wouldn't burn and I know that is so hypocritical of me. It is hard to watch someone you love hurt themself. I know it hurts people around me to watch me cut myself. I wish I could stop. I hate that I can't. Talking to Frank used to be the only thing that helped. I feel like I've lost that. I feel like talking to him about my pain just pushes him away. I don't want to lose him. So I'll probably keep cutting.

Lately I've been thinking about killing myself alot. This is something I haven't told anyone. I am so scared of life. I don't think anyone realizes how scared I am. I hate being scared. The only time I feel remotely safe is when I am with Frank. The future for me seems so bleak. After high school I don't think I have anything. No talent, no ambition, nothing. In a way I am ready to die. I feel like there is nothing left for me anyway. I'll keep on struggling for a little while but for how long I don't know? I just don't have anyone I feel comfortable telling this to anymore. It just hurts people to hear it. I hate hurting people. I know if I kill myself a few people will be hurt and won't understand. But it'll be the end of the hurt I will cause. Why am I so scared?

Today is Christmas Eve and I really don't feel happy.

God please, please help me.

regrets - hopes

the past