2001-12-21 - 6:12 p.m.

If I told you this was killing me, would you stop?

The last couple of days have been the worst days of my life. I really don't want to write all the details because it hurts too much. Frank and I broke up for about 11 hours. It felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and stepped on. I cried for two days straight. Not silent weeping either, body shaking sobs. Everything reminded me of him. I thought my life was over and I seriously almost took a couple boxes of benadryl. I just love him so much.

He is under alot of stress right now. I know that I probably haven't made it any easier for him. I feel like I have depended on him too much. I've kept him from sleep, told him all my problems which he really doesn't need to worry about. So from now on I am going to try to work out my problems myself, keep more feelings inside instead of relying on him so much. I feel like I've failed him in someway, like I haven't been there enough, like I've been selfish. I don't think the things will be the same for me for a long time but maybe they will get better for Frank. I hope so. All I want is for him to be happy.

My family and I are at odds for the moment. They blame Frank for all my pain when I brought it on myself. It hurts that they don't like Frank. I don't understand how they don't? My mom told me I was making a horrible mistake and only setting myself for more pain and heartbreak in the future. My dad said I was stupid. My brother, whose opinion actually matters to me, said that I was so dumb to get back with him after he made me cry so much. We were talking and he said this was a horrible day because I got back together with Frank.

After the past two days I am so depressed. I'm glad Frank and I are together. I'm very happy about that. But I just feel like I lost a part of myself, and that this relationship won't be the same for a long time. I thought everything was going so well before. Maybe I was just blind?

Sigh.

regrets - hopes

the past