how can i convince you its me i don't like

the future doesn't seem so bright

2001-10-21 - 7:56 p.m.

I know it is wrong. I am fated to disappoint everyone always. Depression is once again taking hold and I feel as though I am powerless to stop it. Why can't I escape it? In the last week my antidepressants have been increased quite a bit. The first day I felt a little better but now however all I am left with is a bunch of shitty side effects. I am constantly worn out, I have been getting sharp bursts of intense pain in my head and to top it all off I am lactating. Now when that first started I was freaking out.

I feel so hopeless. I know I have no future. I just don't see it happening. I told Frank I was going to die before I was 21 and I am. I know it. I just want to die. If I keep on living I'll just end up disappointing eveyone. Feeling like this forever just is just isn't an option I want to consider. In my head I've played this scene over and over in my head. It is kind of a spin off of my three step plan. I see myself getting in the car and just driving and driving and finally just colliding head on with a tree maybe somewhere near Oklahoma City. This has run through my head so many times and I really think that it may happen.

All my friends have plans of some sort for after high school. I just feel trapped. I can join the air force which I really don't want to do but it'll get me out of the house. I can struggle through college but how can I make it through college if I can barely make it through high school? I can stay at home and endure my parents and work at a job I absolutely hate until I become absolutely numb. Or I can kill myself and get it over with. To me right now dying seems like the best option.

I love my friends and I love Frank. My friends would get over it they all have lots of friends that they like better. And Frank although I love him more than anything and he says he wouldn't get over my death, I know he'd be better off with someone else. He needs someone who is happier and more in control of themselves. Someone who he can be proud of.

I just don't know what to do? I really am scared of death. I am terrified. But in truth I am equally terrified of the future, which for me doesn't seem so bright.

regrets - hopes

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