2001-07-18 - 11:21 p.m.

Today was a shitty day. At work as I had nothing to do I wrote a diary entry. Here it is:

Sometimes it seems that there are feelings which can not be expressed with words. Words, however, offer me my only means of release. So here is my paltry attempt at expressing what is going on in this fucked up mind of mine.

Yesterday Frank came home, after two long weeks he finally came home. While he was gone I missed him so much. I pined for him. But during those two weeks I found a part of myself I thought I lost a long time ago. I went out with my friends and I had fun. I was comfortable being myself. I went for hours at a time without feeling that familiar aching sadness. I laughed and I felt it. I didn�t stay home nights because Frank might call. I felt like I was coming alive again. I was at peace with myself. I found that I liked that feeling.

Now Frank is back and I�ve lost that feeling. He came over last night after I got off work. It felt so good to be in his arms, to breathe in his scent. Then we made out. It seems that we make out more than we talk. I just wish sometimes, no always that we talked more. Don�t get me wrong I enjoy making out with Frank. I really enjoy it. I feel like he doesn�t know me all that well and that I don�t know him. I love him. I would do absolutely anything for him. I know he will never love me. Honestly it breaks my heart knowing that. But I don�t deserve his love.

Anyway. Last night while Frank was over Nick came by (Frank�s friend). During the time Frank was gone I was Heather, myself. Now I am Frank�s girlfriend (what is her name again?).So we went out with Nick. I stayed off to the side while Nick and Frank talked.

Of course I got home late. To be exact I got home at 11:50. We didn't have any way to tell the time but I knew I was late. I just did't know I was that late. When I got home my parents were already in bed. Once again I had let them down. I went to my room and waited for my mom to come talk to me. It took her about fifteen minutes. By then I thought I was ready. Why I thought that I don't know. I'll never be ready. My mom always gets to me. I saw the look on her face. I felt the frustration in her voice. As soon as she left I cried. I dug my nails in my palms to fight the urge to cut. I want to be better for her. I want to be good enough for her. I know I never will be.

I hate myself. I woke up this morning and I wanted to die. I went to work and I saw my mom and I cried. Guilt weighs me down. Guilt I fully deserve.

Right now I am at work and I am as bored as hell. I hate this job. I am not a people person. Yet day after day I am confronted with so many. I greet them with false cheerfulness and a forced smile. Most of the day I watch the clock, watching the seconds slowly tick by, wishing it would go by faster. It will probably be this way the rest of my life. A dead end job that I hate. 'When I grow up I am going to be...' that whole idea is laughable. I am going to be, I am nothing. Only the best for me, only the best.

Today Lori(this lady I work with) told me I was a different kind of scary. What does that mean?

Well that is all I wrote at work(actually I left alot out but...)

And my day just got shittier.

When I got home I took a nap. I did the dishes. Then I gave brianna a call. She said she'd come over with a movie. I was really happy because I wanted to talk to her about some stuff. A few minutes before her arrival Frank showed up. I had no idea he was coming over. If he would have called I would have told him that brianna and I were going to hang out but he was here. What was I supposed to say? Go home? I can't be rude, especially to my friends. I'd feel so guilty. So she gets here sees frank and leaves. I tried to get her to stay. I wanted her to stay. So she left and I fought the urge to cry. I didn't want to cry in front of frank. But I did. He stayed like a half an hour and as soon as he left I totally broke down. My mom told me not to worry about it. But I will. I deserve this.

regrets - hopes

the past