2001-06-21 - 7:18 p.m.

It is Thursday... time seems to be passing more quickly than ever.

Saturday: We planned on going to Hooters. Well we chickened out. We got to the door, stood their like dorks then turned around and went to Souper!Salad! After that we went and hung out in Valley Center on this bridge. Even though I was with my friends.,I felt very shy. It was like I was an outsider and I just didn't know what to say. I hate that I felt that way. What is wrong w/ me? During the evening I had a horrible panic attack(the first one I've had in months). I couldn't breathe, I was shaking and it took every bit of my self control not to cry. It was a weird night, pleasant but something just felt off.

Monday: I started work. I remember now why I quit. I hate working. It just makes me feel so incredibly sad. I have a feeling that I will be doing this for the rest of my life. (Doing something I hate) Everyone is always talking about what they are going to do once they are out of high school. Honestly I haven't the slightest idea. I have to particular talents? I don't like to think about the future. Why contemplate the rest of my dead end life now?

Tuesday: I had an appointment w/ Alicia(my psychologist). She told me that I wasn't like the majority of her patients w/ self esteem problems. She said that I was pretty and not overweight. What the fuck? When I look at myself in the mirror it makes me sick. I am so ugly. Sometimes we I look at my reflection it makes me want to cry. As for overweight... I am not going to say I'm overweight but it wouldn't hurt me to lose a few pounds.

So I'm back to working 38 hours a week. Feeling sad more and more often.(Just when I thought I was doing better) What will happen next. Who the fuck really cares.

If you hate me just tell me. I want to know really.

Sometimes I think I am losing my mind.

regrets - hopes

the past