2001-06-10 - 2:47 p.m.

I haven't written in a while. i just couldn't let everything out at my grandparents house, it just didn't feel right for some reason?

Where to start?

Well we got home Friday afternoon. Thank god. I was so happy to be home. Then my dad got home and he is being such an asshole. I just want to escape from this house.

By the time I'd been home about two hours I needed a release. So I did something incredibly stupid. I just wanted it all to stop. I am so fucked up. I cut. Now on my thigh i have this cut. Everytime I move it hurts. Why did i do that when everything is going so well? I just wanted to cry to feel something besides this horrible, consuming anger. Anger which I am not even to sure where it comes from? Anger I don't want anyone to see. I am so ashamed of it.

Well it didn't work. I didn't even cry. Damn it! I just felt more anger. Rage at my own stupidity. After that I just slept. Empty, restless sleep.

Saturday was both good and bad. I told my mom I used to smoke. I wanted pain and I got it. She didn't yell. She just looked at me as if she didn't know me. I went in my room and cried. Tears that have been building up for two months. I am glad I can still cry. I didn't think I had it in me anymore. My mom is just acting like I never told her. Which I was expecting. In my family if something unpleasant happens we ignore it and go on with our lives. Oh well...

regrets - hopes

the past