2001-04-09 - 7:22 p.m.

I don't have to work today. That is the only good thing I can think of. I hate school. I am failing everything. Before this semester I had made A's and B's my whole life.Now I just don't give a fuck!

Die, Die, Die. Every breath, every heartbeat screams it. Suicide is a solution. Death preoccupies me. It is all I can think about, everything else is blurry. Pain is beautiful.Blood is beautiful. Why can't life be beautiful? All I want is for one second for life to be blindingly beautiful.Just one second, then I'd know that there is hope.Right now I know that nothing can make me feel better, alive even. I am hopeless and I am alone. Have you ever been in a room full of people or even be talking to someone and felt completely and totally alone. I have and I HATE the feeling. Lonliness eats at me.Suicide seems like the perfect escape, so why am I stiil here??

I am such an optimist, right? Someone signed my guestbook, that made me feel a little good i guess.

Still I wonder A choice or an affliction??

regrets - hopes

the past