2001-04-04 - 8:04 p.m.

Ok. Today I cried. I went back to crying. God I hate that shit! I sat in class while everyone else was in lab and I cried. Mr. Holland was like "are you ok?" and I cried harder. I hate myself, I really do.

i wanted to cut today. The urge was there, so strong yet I resisted. It was so hard. My mom said if she saw a new cut on my arm or anywhere she would hospitalize me. I really don't want that. It is crazy. I wanted to feel alive. I need to cut so bad. WHY? WHY? WHY? i am trying so hard to survive this. What is wrong with me? I'm thinking about cutting on my thighs. No one would see them there, would they? It really wouldn't matter much. I feel like if I don't cut soon I will be so empty inside. I'll just be a shell, and not a person.

I'm 16. Aren't these supposed to be the best years of my life or something? I don't know about anything anymore.

Why isn't anything getting better? I feel like screaming, smoking a cigarette and then downing a couple bottle of pills. That would make it better, right? haha.

I complain way too much. This is all that this diary has become but no one reads it anyway so I guess it really doesn't matter?

Tomorrow I have to go back to work. i am so thrilled, really. (I hope you can sense the sarcasm in that) When I get home from work I have to make cookies. I told Brianna I would bring her some Friday,so I will. The only good thing about going to work is that I might see Mike. Sure the chance is about one in a hundred but there is a chance. Why do I have to be obsessed w/ someone who barely knows I am alive? He is so adorable!! If I even just see him at school I get this little shiver of happiness run up and down my spine. I love him. I know there is no chance in hell he will ever 'notice' me and just thinking about that makes me incredibly sad. Anyway...

Maybe tomorrow will be tolerable. i seriously doubt it but one can hope.

regrets - hopes

the past