2001-03-31 - 10:04 p.m.

This is my first entry. I just wanted a place where I could just get everything out, hopefully this will be it.

It is saturday and it has been a very long day. It is one of those days when you wake up and you are already for it to be over. Most days are like that for me. Sometimes I just don't think I can take it anymore. I got up early b/c all this week after about 3am sleep has become impossible for me. At 11 I went to work. God, I hate my job so fucking much. I'm like the only person under the age of 25 that works there. My supervisor just cut my hours b/c of my 'problems'. What the hell does she know about my problems? I just go to work and smile and nod and pretend like I care. Last Sunday made 6 months since I started work there. Woo Hoo! Shit it feels like an eternity. Maybe I hate this job b/c it is my first or maybe just b/c it sucks ass? I don't know?

I am so sick. My stomach has been in constant turmoil since like Wednesday? I think it might be my new medication? My doctor started me on Prozac about two weeks ago. I thought I was adjusting pretty well to it but... Well maybe I just have a bug? I was on Zoloft before and it made me throw up constantly so this is not as bad. I was so against going to the doctor but someone at work saw the cuts on my arm and told my mom. I really didn't want her to know. Anyway she forced me to go to the doctor.

She asked me if it was b/c of her that I cut myself. She doesn't understand, no one really does. It is not b/c of any person it is all me. Sometimes I just feel so dead, so empty and cutting helps me feel alive. The pain, the blood it is beautiful to me. I am so messed up.

Is insanity a choice or an affliction?

Sometimes I just don't know?

regrets - hopes

the past